'Tis The Season To Be Jolly

I have to fight back tears everyday when I walk to and from work.

I find myself swearing a lot about patients and their demands; the more trivial the more I swear. People have noticed but I have yet to be reprimanded. Work used to be an escape from the outside bleakness. Now it consumes me also.

My thoughts are blunted, my concentration is diminished and my memory poor. Sometimes, I feel like I'm slipping out of reality. I don't hear voices or see things; I don't have delusions of grandeur or persecution; I'm not psychotic.

I don't drink to mute my pain but when I go out with colleagues or friends, I'm cheerful and fun and I drink too much because it feels good. For one brief moment the heaviness lifts and I forget how shit I am feeling.

The coming Christmas social events terrify me. I don't feel confident in my ability to uphold my current fascade and "just be me". It hasn't always worked in recent times. What if I say something hateful? What if I cry?

Everyday, I mechanically go through the motions of living. But I'm starting to falter and find it more and more difficult to uphold my duties and perform tasks.

I'm scared to look people in the eyes because they might see the truth that I am really dead inside.

I told two friends and they held my hand and told me that they loved me.

'Tis the season to be jolly. I hope Santa comes early to bring me the best Christmas present ever. Gift wrapped by my GP.