28 Days Later

28 days later and I feel human again. My motivation is back and I'm able to carry on with normal activities of daily living. I have been grocery shopping without fear and am back on track with cooking from scratch with real ingredients. I haven't wished for my own demise for over 3 weeks and at work I'm generally cheerful. I've started laughing again. What a welcome thing to be to do! And my favourite; I've gone back to actively procrastinating. I can choose to procrasinate. It's not just a never-ending dark tunnel in which I walk now.

My legs drown in sweat every night but that's the only down side of being on my Happy Pills.

Sometimes this feeling of "I'm alive" sits like a bubble in my chest ready to burst into uncontrollable laughter. I don't have the sensation of elation but I'm really looking forward to when it eventually comes.

Feeling Better But Sweaty

Last week was day 7. Whether it was a placebo effect or the medication starting to kick in, I don’t know. But I do know, I feel a little lighter. For the first time in months, I didn’t tear up walking to and from work. I no longer wish I was dead. I feel like, although things aren’t great now, I have things to look forward to in the future.

Saturday, I almost felt normal. I didn’t get the shits. I didn’t feel like killing people who bumped into me on Oxford street. And I managed to stay this way the entire day and night. Even Thabo noticed a difference, saying that I seemed positive and much livelier.

I had a set back yesterday getting upset over a tiny issue. It cumulated in me feeling the same inescapable universal woe. “I wish I had a different life.” I hate the life I have and there’s no escape from it.

Other than that, I'm hopeful that things are starting to look up for me. I have the strange side-effect of waking up drenched in sweat, like I've gone to bed in wet clothes, but it only happens with my legs.

Belated Christmas Present

I finally received the Christmas present I wished for. Now, day 2 of citalopram. No major effects yet except insomnia, anxiety about anxiety being a side-effect, feeling spaced out and a pervasive sense of dread and apprehension (always apprehensive about things I might need to do - I can't even enjoy quiet moments because I'm in a constant state of dread about what might- and it's for non-issues. I can't go to the corner store without feeling anxious or preparing myself mentally). Actually, that was all there before the medication.

I know it takes 2-4 weeks for effect. I'd like to know what happens after that. A slow rise of me becoming me again? What if before-now-me isn't all that she was cracked up to be? Right now I see me as a failure as a person who had been given every opportunity in life - good home, education, friends, partner - and I've dumped all over it.

I want to throw my career out the door because I'm so afraid that my cover will be blown, that I don't know my way around. Still. My self-confidence is zero, I'm always second guessing myself, and I can't commit to what I think I know is right. I had a shit day at work because I wasn't sure of myself and couldn't give anyone a straight answer. I wanted to run and hide. I say to myself that I don't care about having this career. I don't know if I say this to make me feel better, or if I'd be better off without it.

I don't know if I have certain thoughts because I'm depressed or if the essential me really believes them. Thabo tells me, "You're wonderful. Everyone sees that except for you." I don't like me very much.