No, I Don't Need My Cervix Or Medication

I had the most painful Pap smear ever this morning. Besides trying to create a whole new vagina for me, the nurse scraped at my cervix with such vigour that I think she may have removed it completely.

I also saw the GP. Not MY GP but some assistant GP, "Dr Mahmoud". As I attempted to (words through a clenched jaw holding back tears) provide reasons why I felt depressed, why I thought I was depressed and why I wanted to be on anti-depressants, he informed me that feeling depressed is a normal reaction to bad things that happen in life and he is reluctant to give me the diagnosis because it means labelling me as having depression. I am to see a counsellor next week for professional assessment. Maybe medicine works differently in England; I thought a GP was in the perfect position to make an assessment. He asked me what started it.

I don't think he really listened. I could hear myself repeating the same things over and over again and I know he understands English because he was more than keen to inform me of his previous training, interests, and his own difficulties with registration and bureaucracy when he first moved to the UK 20 years ago.

Why can't he understand that I didn't decide on a whim that I am depressed and that I suddenly want medical intervention? Doesn't he realize that I've thought about the whole stigma of depression before? Does he not realize that I wouldn't be here unless I really needed to be? Normal reaction?! That I want to be dead or wish mortal harm upon everyone who crosses me, everyday for months on end? I actually have insight and understanding, something which my medical experience has prepared me for. Why do I feel like this is a debate on whether or not I am depressed or just feeling low? Why must I make up an argument to convince him?

The whole consultation could have gone one of two ways. And it went the way I dreaded and the way which made up one of reasons I'd held off on seeing someone for such a long time. I've asked for help and now I feel so much worse.